"The 13 million “never-marrieds” between 25 and 39 (of which I am one) are a demographic puzzlement. Most of what is known about us is what we’re not doing.Besides not getting married, we’re not staying in our jobs for long, not finding community among our neighbors, not joining our parent’s civic or political organizations, and not going to church all that often. So the question becomes this: If we’re spending a decade or longer after college not devoted to a family, skipping from job to job, and unwilling to don our fathers’ fezzes, what are we doing with this expanse of time and the energy of our relative youth? The popular slacker literature of the early and mid-90s concluded that we were doing a lot of moping – that is doing nothing, selfishly. I doubt it. I think all the assumptions about this demographic group are only glosses for the fact that when we don’t understand some change in society we tend to assume that everything we hold dear is about to go down the toilet.
I have another theory. I believe that in all the belly aching about recent generations avoiding of marriage, we have overlooked the social structure by which our puzzling behavior can be understood. What no one has yet explained is that while we identify ourselves as singles on surveys, we do not live our lives alone. We are primates after all and we require not only constant interaction with other humans but also a social structure that satisfies our need for membership in a group. To fill the growing gap of time we spend in between families, we have created a new type of community. I call these groups Urban Tribes....
While the genesis of the groups might be anything (college friendships, job acquaintances, the shared avocation), Urban Tribes evolve beyond their original focus and become the very center of our lives. In cities, where those of us between families often live alone and change jobs every couple of years, it is our Urban Tribe that provides the place where we celebrate our successes, mark the passage of time with rituals, create rules of behavior and feel protected by membership in a well-defined group. They are our secret for making the hustle of city life emotionally manageable. Single life in the city is no longer a phase that need be concluded quickly. With little fanfare, we’ve added a developmental stage to adulthood that comes before marriage – the tribe years.
The working title of my book is Urban Tribes of the "Never Marrieds" Secrets of Community from an Unlikely Source. I have a year to write it starting fall of 2001. To make it interesting and true I need your help. If what I described above sounds something like your life I’m hoping you’ll take some time to describe your group, either by answering some of these survey questions or by sending me an e-mail with stories of your tribe. Any e-mail addresses or contact information will be passed on to no one. The information you give me will be used as material for my book and this website." [Ethan Watters, via peterme]
Monday, April 22, 2002
